At thirteen, like most teenagers, I’d already pictured how my life would be. Graduate university at nineteen, get a job at twenty, be married at twenty-one. How beautiful- to be so oblivious of the twists and turns in life. The older you get, the more unexpected life becomes. I’m few months shy of twenty-four and there’s not so much I have achieved. I’d changed career paths thrice in the last ten months. The world feels blur and dreams have become a luxury. I’m hanging on by a thread. Trying my best to stay afloat because in the grand book of life, staying afloat is better than drowning. I learnt.
I’m currently living a mediocre life, far from anything thirteen year old me would have hoped for. And there’s a certain ache in me that wants to hold her by the face and apologize to her. The worst part is there’s no plan at the moment, not even a rough sketch. I’m caught in the uncertainty of things, the uncertainty fear has bred in me because whenever I dared to dream, I am met with dread- yet again. I look at the future and I see, nothing. Which is quite paradoxical because at the same time, I do have hope- a silver thread that almost blends with the darkness around me. Even in all of my doubts, there’s somewhere in me that feels the light, tugging. All of this may have stemmed from the fact that I’ve lost so much. So much time, effort.
Last year, I didn’t write my resolution until it was March, I’d said to myself “I need a little more clarity first” and I eventually wrote it. I ended the year achieving only half of those things and I literally broke into pieces because they were not just “resolutions”, they were prayer points. This year, I didn’t bother to write any. There’s only so much hurt and disappointment my heart can take at a time and to be honest, I’m still mourning my losses from last year and the year before that and the year before that one too.
I took a social media break earlier this year because I wanted to “rediscover” myself, part because I honestly didn’t know who I was anymore and part because I was tired. Of trying. Of being reminded of my woes. Did I find myself? No, I only added a new layer. But that would be a story for another day. During that rediscovery phase, I saw a quote that had read:
The reality of our everyday existence is that things change every day, even when we wish that they would stay the same, and nothing is certain. Random events can and do happen when we’re unprepared to deal with the fallout.
It stuck with me. Uncertainty happens to more people than I imagined. It is part of this ‘adulting’ thing I so badly wanted. And even if thirteen year old me didn’t know all of these things, twenty-three year old me wishes life didn’t have to be so- unfulfilling.
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